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I think that too much has been happening. I've not been showing it, but life has been dragging me around and around and around and fandom is the only real way I can enjoy life anymore.
However.
I've become addicted. I feel like it's just turned into some sort of drug. Day goes by, I try to stay in things, but I'm not really there. I keep thinking of when I'll next be able to log on to LJ or FAP or UR.Net to chat or discuss or whatever. I come home, and it's all I ever do. I think I think that I spend so much time on my real life so every time I get to be in the fandom is a time for myself, like a reward for staying in real life the way I do, but lately I've realized I'm just making excuses for myself. I've been neglecting so many things in life, so many things that matter, and before I fail in them I think I should begin to reevaluate my lifestyle, what I've been doing, and what's been harmful to me.
The fandom has to go.
I love you all, I really do, but I don't think I can really take this anymore. How am I supposed to balance everything when I'm head over heels devoted to this fandom? It doesn't need my attention, it's got a hundred thousand people in it. I need to be attended to. I need to be working, I need to be letting myself experience and live life as I really should. This year has been my worst, and I've tried to see it from all possible angles, and it's really my involvement in the fandom that's caused it. (But it isn't any of you--you're all angels. I'll be missing all of you so much!)
I've talked this over with a friend, non-fandom, and she says that perhaps it's for the best. The only way to solve a problem is to admit that it's there, and my being in this fandom is being a problem, and I know that now, and it hurts to have to leave, but I think I have to.
( I love you all. )
However.
I've become addicted. I feel like it's just turned into some sort of drug. Day goes by, I try to stay in things, but I'm not really there. I keep thinking of when I'll next be able to log on to LJ or FAP or UR.Net to chat or discuss or whatever. I come home, and it's all I ever do. I think I think that I spend so much time on my real life so every time I get to be in the fandom is a time for myself, like a reward for staying in real life the way I do, but lately I've realized I'm just making excuses for myself. I've been neglecting so many things in life, so many things that matter, and before I fail in them I think I should begin to reevaluate my lifestyle, what I've been doing, and what's been harmful to me.
The fandom has to go.
I love you all, I really do, but I don't think I can really take this anymore. How am I supposed to balance everything when I'm head over heels devoted to this fandom? It doesn't need my attention, it's got a hundred thousand people in it. I need to be attended to. I need to be working, I need to be letting myself experience and live life as I really should. This year has been my worst, and I've tried to see it from all possible angles, and it's really my involvement in the fandom that's caused it. (But it isn't any of you--you're all angels. I'll be missing all of you so much!)
I've talked this over with a friend, non-fandom, and she says that perhaps it's for the best. The only way to solve a problem is to admit that it's there, and my being in this fandom is being a problem, and I know that now, and it hurts to have to leave, but I think I have to.
( I love you all. )
