Oh, oh, oh, OH.
Dec. 13th, 2004 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
slumber*slumps*
I can't believe it. I was like, in between the time I left and the time I came back I got married. The fuck was wrong? I mean, the thing was I semi sorta KNEW I was going to get married, because, well, actually, I don't. Oh, he proposed sometime before like in front of his parents and in front of my parents and I said yes, because I was stupid, and then because this is me, it completely slipped my mind until my mother came in and she brought out a wedding gown and shooed me into this cheap chapel like thing. To be fair it was in a garden-type place, but OH MY GOD it didn't sink in until OMG I was THERE and halfway through the ceremony I had to excuse myself so I went to the bathroom and I cried.
Because I didn't love him. I don't even KNOW him. I am so going to be miserable, and I AM ONLY EIGHTEEN THANKYOUVERYMUCH and I was crying into the towel and then I was thinking, omg, haha, this will be such a riot to explain to S and Line and Raphie when I come back online and halfway through in my head I was thinking, OMG, does this mean I am finally going to get laid and perhaps even subconsciously I wanted to know if he was any good in bed, but SO not the point. And I changed out of the wedding gown and I fixed my face because the make up had smudged and shitshitshit I seriously did not love him. He doesn't even know I like Harry Potter, doesn't know I write slash, how am I supposed to share my life with him like that, right? (And quite frankly the wedding was not what I had in mind. I wanted PEOPLE in it, not relatives. I didn't even get to fit my gown until the day itself! *cries* I mean, GOWN. HELLO. It's also supposed to remind me I was going to get married, right?)
So I was sobbing at being tied down and because this is my country, we've no divorce and suddenly I thought of him, and oh my god I wanted to be with HIM but HE wasn't the one down the aisle in which I speak my doom. And then I decided what to do. I could not stand there and say no, because everybody (but me) has planned so much for the wedding and I cannot stand that kind of social discord. At a wedding. I had to suck it up and go on, so when they got me just as the priest was going on to the "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded" I went on to the chapel and said "I do." Which was, lying. And in those last few moments I had this vision of a film clipping off a possibly non-existent scene where Tobey Maguire was biking down a busy street and screaming in dubbed Filipino, and I knew that reminded me of my situation somewhat, but I digress.
Then we were about to go to the reception, right, and then HE barged in and there really wasn't any choice, was there? I excused myself and ran out with him, and I swear he had a plan, except he forgot to tell me I was supposed to bring in my passport and some money with me too. I'm sure he said something about going to the US, or at least, I was pretty sure that was where we were going to go, but dude, no visas, so I guess we were only going to somewhere in South East Asia. But anyway, we were losing valuable time, but we couldn't go ANYWHERE.
I had to go back home, where my mother would seriously be waiting. My brother was with us then, he tried spying in a bit, but eventually I had to get in the house and take out my passport and my money. HE asked my brother to ask when my family'd be moving, and my brother said next Wednesday, which was the 15th, and I obviously have not spent too much time paying any attention to anything because it slipped my mind that we were moving, but we decided we'd have to sneak out before then, if we couldn't sneak out right then.
My brother and I walked to the house, and my brother told me that he wouldn't cover for me if the instance ever came up, and I told him that was fine, because he's already done so much, really. We went into the house and I took a hot shower, and I slipped in the $4000 I'd found in the soap place - mom must have misplaced it there - and I slipped into my room to get my passport but then mom knocked on the door. She'd walked up just as I closed the door behind me and told me she knew I was there, and that she was not pleased, and I had BETTER go down and eat if I knew what was good for me. :(
I did, and then the most incredibly wonderful, absolutely amazing thing happened:
I woke up.
--
I had to make you see how it felt - I really thought I was getting married. :\ But it was in my dream, and there was backstory and everything - I remembered when he proposed like it really happened! But kudos points if you went, "Aren't her parents in the US right now?" or "But she's not dating anyone right now." Because those absolutely skipped my mind. Also, we had a different sort of foyer, but it didn't bother me, except I thought we were getting the house renovated, which was strange because we were MOVING.
Extra points if you said, "Dude. She never said anything about this in LJ." XD
No points if you said, "But I was just talking to her a couple hours ago; it COULDN'T have happened in between then." Because you just knew technicalities. :P
But, for a second, can you imagine my HORROR? For a rough ten seconds I had to decide whether I was dreaming the wedding or not, then decided it was probably a dream, and sighed with relief. However, I need to wibble and be held right now because I don't see that as far from happening. If anybody I dated proposed to me in front of family, I might accept, and if I just suddenly realised I am going to make an incredibly big mistake by walking down the aisle, I'll still do it because I'd worry about what everyone's put into the wedding. I am stupid like that.
Then I realised, when I woke up, I DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS. In the dream I did, but then he was more like a friend of mine, and he certainly sent off the wrong vibes than the person from this other dream I had who held my hand and sat on the floor beside me and on whose shoulder I sometimes leant and who I just felt very very comfortable with, if only I can just remember WHO IT WAS.
Between this dream and the one in which I get pregnant six months before high school graduation, AGAIN with a guy I barely know, AND the debut, I AM SO TURNED OFF GETTING SETTLED DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I can't believe it. I was like, in between the time I left and the time I came back I got married. The fuck was wrong? I mean, the thing was I semi sorta KNEW I was going to get married, because, well, actually, I don't. Oh, he proposed sometime before like in front of his parents and in front of my parents and I said yes, because I was stupid, and then because this is me, it completely slipped my mind until my mother came in and she brought out a wedding gown and shooed me into this cheap chapel like thing. To be fair it was in a garden-type place, but OH MY GOD it didn't sink in until OMG I was THERE and halfway through the ceremony I had to excuse myself so I went to the bathroom and I cried.
Because I didn't love him. I don't even KNOW him. I am so going to be miserable, and I AM ONLY EIGHTEEN THANKYOUVERYMUCH and I was crying into the towel and then I was thinking, omg, haha, this will be such a riot to explain to S and Line and Raphie when I come back online and halfway through in my head I was thinking, OMG, does this mean I am finally going to get laid and perhaps even subconsciously I wanted to know if he was any good in bed, but SO not the point. And I changed out of the wedding gown and I fixed my face because the make up had smudged and shitshitshit I seriously did not love him. He doesn't even know I like Harry Potter, doesn't know I write slash, how am I supposed to share my life with him like that, right? (And quite frankly the wedding was not what I had in mind. I wanted PEOPLE in it, not relatives. I didn't even get to fit my gown until the day itself! *cries* I mean, GOWN. HELLO. It's also supposed to remind me I was going to get married, right?)
So I was sobbing at being tied down and because this is my country, we've no divorce and suddenly I thought of him, and oh my god I wanted to be with HIM but HE wasn't the one down the aisle in which I speak my doom. And then I decided what to do. I could not stand there and say no, because everybody (but me) has planned so much for the wedding and I cannot stand that kind of social discord. At a wedding. I had to suck it up and go on, so when they got me just as the priest was going on to the "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded" I went on to the chapel and said "I do." Which was, lying. And in those last few moments I had this vision of a film clipping off a possibly non-existent scene where Tobey Maguire was biking down a busy street and screaming in dubbed Filipino, and I knew that reminded me of my situation somewhat, but I digress.
Then we were about to go to the reception, right, and then HE barged in and there really wasn't any choice, was there? I excused myself and ran out with him, and I swear he had a plan, except he forgot to tell me I was supposed to bring in my passport and some money with me too. I'm sure he said something about going to the US, or at least, I was pretty sure that was where we were going to go, but dude, no visas, so I guess we were only going to somewhere in South East Asia. But anyway, we were losing valuable time, but we couldn't go ANYWHERE.
I had to go back home, where my mother would seriously be waiting. My brother was with us then, he tried spying in a bit, but eventually I had to get in the house and take out my passport and my money. HE asked my brother to ask when my family'd be moving, and my brother said next Wednesday, which was the 15th, and I obviously have not spent too much time paying any attention to anything because it slipped my mind that we were moving, but we decided we'd have to sneak out before then, if we couldn't sneak out right then.
My brother and I walked to the house, and my brother told me that he wouldn't cover for me if the instance ever came up, and I told him that was fine, because he's already done so much, really. We went into the house and I took a hot shower, and I slipped in the $4000 I'd found in the soap place - mom must have misplaced it there - and I slipped into my room to get my passport but then mom knocked on the door. She'd walked up just as I closed the door behind me and told me she knew I was there, and that she was not pleased, and I had BETTER go down and eat if I knew what was good for me. :(
I did, and then the most incredibly wonderful, absolutely amazing thing happened:
I woke up.
--
I had to make you see how it felt - I really thought I was getting married. :\ But it was in my dream, and there was backstory and everything - I remembered when he proposed like it really happened! But kudos points if you went, "Aren't her parents in the US right now?" or "But she's not dating anyone right now." Because those absolutely skipped my mind. Also, we had a different sort of foyer, but it didn't bother me, except I thought we were getting the house renovated, which was strange because we were MOVING.
Extra points if you said, "Dude. She never said anything about this in LJ." XD
No points if you said, "But I was just talking to her a couple hours ago; it COULDN'T have happened in between then." Because you just knew technicalities. :P
But, for a second, can you imagine my HORROR? For a rough ten seconds I had to decide whether I was dreaming the wedding or not, then decided it was probably a dream, and sighed with relief. However, I need to wibble and be held right now because I don't see that as far from happening. If anybody I dated proposed to me in front of family, I might accept, and if I just suddenly realised I am going to make an incredibly big mistake by walking down the aisle, I'll still do it because I'd worry about what everyone's put into the wedding. I am stupid like that.
Then I realised, when I woke up, I DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS. In the dream I did, but then he was more like a friend of mine, and he certainly sent off the wrong vibes than the person from this other dream I had who held my hand and sat on the floor beside me and on whose shoulder I sometimes leant and who I just felt very very comfortable with, if only I can just remember WHO IT WAS.
Between this dream and the one in which I get pregnant six months before high school graduation, AGAIN with a guy I barely know, AND the debut, I AM SO TURNED OFF GETTING SETTLED DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-12 05:22 pm (UTC)Urk. I dislike dreams that freak us out.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-12 08:12 pm (UTC)My dream was horrible. In my dream I was all tired and heavy-feeling and depressed, and I drove my car into the river and then I was swimming around in the car trying to save my cigarettes and my copy of Goblet of Fire. It was horrible.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-13 01:33 am (UTC)Oh, woe! :\ Wet cigs AND GoF. *snuggles*
no subject
Date: 2004-12-13 02:36 am (UTC)I wonder what it means though.